One Woman Three Men – entry no. 75

26 June

I took Ruben out to the country house today and we discussed the possibilities. He said that as soon as the entrepreneur has fixed the place up Severin would like to hold his next Exchange party there.

-          What is that? I asked

-          Exchange parties are for poly-competent people. You can only sign up for them with a member of the opposite sex to whom you aren’t married. The person you’re married to is welcome to sign up with a member of the opposite sex as well. The goal of the parties is exchange, to share experiences and knowledge across the different fields of competences.  Broadness is the parties’ key word.

-          I’m looking forward to it, I said, and I was.

Making love to him is making love using my whole body, mind and everything in between. I didn’t believe it was possible because I had never experienced it before. But it’s absolutely possible and I am so deeply grateful that it has come my way, and that Ruben has come my way with his tenderness, love, temper, desire, thoughts, fantasy and feelings. It is a gift.

-          I’m not going to move in here, Ruben said.

-          I know that. And that’s how it’s meant to be. We’ll keep meeting once in a while – as you know, I believe that the traditional relationship model has failed.

-          And I can’t promise you eternal fidelity, he said.

-          I wouldn’t believe you if you did, I said, and I meant it. – Promising each other eternal desire is absurd. It simply can’t be done. We never know what life will bring, how our partner will develop and change, what will happen in our own bodies. There will always be temptations and as long as our relationship is strong enough we’ll be able to resist them, but as we change so will our relationship. Holding on to a principle for the sake of principle seems foolish. We know that our ability to resist temptations and our curiosity will remain unchanging, and there is a risk that one or the other of us will be hurt at some point. But that risk is there regardless of whether we’ve sworn our eternal fidelity or not. As it is we haven’t made any promises – that means that we both need to make an effort to keep our relationship alive and keep ourselves interesting for each other.

- You’re a very special woman.

- Yes, I said, smiling. At that moment I felt that I was very special, just for him.

Later

Frederik and I sat at a sushi bar today and did a status report. I’ve found three men, yes, but it’s all very different than what I had imagined.

Now, Ruben and Anton are in the building supplies shop across the street, buying material and tools for the renovation. They’ll be here soon and Anton’s wife Gitte will be coming, too. She’s due any day now and wants to talk to someone who’s given birth before. She’s more than welcome – and I’d like to talk to someone who’s been through the lover’s pact.
-          So, you and Ruben are boyfriend and girlfriend? Frederik asked.

-          We’re similar in that neither of us wants to be so tied down that we become suffocated. But we both want roots and a good touch on reality, and we can give each other that.

-          You didn’t answer my question.

-          I do things with him that I don’t usually do with men. I let him be at the centre, but I’m at the centre, too. I am submissive, but I also take initiative. We keep turning things around, over and over again.

-          You just look so happy, I can tell that’s it’s been an important thing for you.

-          It has. For the first time in my life I feel like I can be accommodated. I see that it’s important for me to understand myself and others and put that into words, even if those words aren’t always flattering, and even if they provoke and challenge the established norms.

-          Yes, it’s funny that your model is so provocative.

-          I expect modern love to offer enough room for me as a person. To make that happen I need to redefine both goals and methods, and those goals and methods need to be respectful of others.

-          Maybe I should try the model?

-          I think the model is great for getting to know yourself better. And that’s essential if you want to love another person completely.

-          You’ve definitely stirred my curiosity.

-          Who says that the only good things are the things that last? Nothing lasts forever. Why do so many people insist that things mustn’t change? As a rule children need consistency while they’re growing up; they can’t handle too much change. But adults should be able to handle change. Maybe there’s something wrong with the influences we get when going from childhood to adulthood. What if we gave all 18 year-olds an introductory course: Welcome to a life full of changes. We could tell young people that they will soon be confronted with a lot of new situations, there are experiences to be had and only one thing is certain: things will change. Now, if you think about a traditional life, young people can be sure that they’ll have to meet many different representatives of the opposite sex in order to find someone with whom they can have a close relationship. When they do, there’ll be a big change when they start building a nest.  At some point maybe they’ll have a child, and that will change everything again. Their education, jobs and careers will be full of changes, things will change when their children start school, when their partner finds other pastures to graze or when they themselves catch sight of greener grass. Then the children become teenagers, they get a new boss at work, their health isn’t what it used to be and so on and so on. Basically, it’s a long line of changes and the only thing they have to hold on to is their self, and that’s always changing, too. That means it’s crucial to develop the ability to understand your feelings and express the role that you want to play in all of those different situations.

-          The challenge of self-awareness is that you might end up meeting someone you don’t like very much, he said, grinning.

I grinned back and said

-          I think we have to dare to want. Then there’s a chance of finding happiness once in a while and enjoying it to the utmost while it lasts.

-          Okay, where did you put up the ad for the three men?