My Night with Ruben – Entry no. 44

Monday 24st of May

I’ve spent the Pentecost weekend being a full-time mother to my part-time daughter. We went to the zoo, puttered around together and she told me all about swimming lessons. Marianne wants her to start competing this autumn. We played badminton and Settlers and went to a flea market. Today we were invited to lunch at Aunt Tut and Uncle Theo’s, but they fell ill. A day at home suits me just fine: maybe I can finally begin to fathom what happened that night with Ruben. I haven’t heard a peep from him since, and I haven’t texted him either. Which seems alright. I’ve also procrastinated mentally dealing with what went on between Per and I. Just a week ago I was ready to overhaul my life for a married man, and now it feels like what happened with Per was just an interlude of sorts. He’s texted me nine times since Thursday – luckily a bit less during the holiday where his calendar says family time.

Ruben is something else. When I stepped into the pavilion he invited me to lay down on the futon and make myself comfortable on the four huge pillows. When I had arranged myself I could feel that my body was already preparing to converge with his. But he sat at the foot of the futon and said – in Severin’s world, we worship women.

-          Sounds good, I said with a smile.

-          When a woman is provided with the right environment, she can work miracles. For centuries, eons even, society hasn’t grasped the divine power that women possess. When a woman thrives so does everything around her. Severin’s world is a congregation of men and women who see these potentials and want to develop them.

-          Why are men interested? I asked.

-          When a man has made love to and been with a woman who is thriving, he’ll never again settle for anything less.

I smiled and was glad that we were soon to be merged.

-          How long have you been looking for like-minded people with your three-man model? He asked.

-          Since after Easter, I said, and told him a short version of what had happened with Thomas and his affair in Barcelona. Telling him reawakened my hurt feelings – but at the same time it felt like those feelings had belonged to me in another lifetime. So much has happened since then.

– At first, the model was a panic reaction. But I’ve since grown quite fond of it, I explained.

-          Why?

-          Having three men gives me freedom to be myself. Nobody can demand from me that I adhere to his guidelines. From the beginning, I make it clear that the men in my life can’t necessarily count on me. And that I have concrete expectations of them – which has two positive effects. First of all, it disqualifies a lot of men who are just looking for a safe, full-service base to come home to. Secondly, it opens up for new ways to talk about love with the men who want to try out the model with me. They are curious by nature, and those are the people with whom I want to communicate.

-          Precisely that quality is an essential part of finding new ways of living together.

-          But what’s surprised me is how hard it is to come away from the twosome model with all of its romantic ideals. And I need to get away from it – it doesn’t bring out the best in me. Or in men, for that matter.

-          What alternatives can you offer?

-          Now I’m trying with three men. What alternatives does Severin’s world offer?

-          The only way to find out is by firsthand experience with others from Severin’s world.

-          With you, for example?

He smiled and I realised that we wouldn’t be making love in the pavilion. He wanted to test me first. I was slightly provoked – but just as men get hooked on my model because it gives them new ways to get to know themselves, I was curious to find out what had to be done to gain access to Severin himself.

-          Where does the name Severin’s world come from? I asked to obtain more information I could use in creating a strategy.

-          My full name is Ruben Andreas Severin Pontoppidan, he said.  – Severin was my great-grandfather’s name. Grundtvig’s middle name was Severin, too – and I’ve always felt a closeness to him and his psalms, his battle with demons and his greatness. The name comes from Latin severus ­and means serious. In Severin’s world, we take individuals seriously. When you meet someone where he or she is and provide them with the tools they need, they are capable of taking a quantum leap. I find that fascinating.

-          How long has this world existed?

He stood up and took off his shirt. Yet again he surprised me and I thought that we might make love after all. He opened his bag and pulled out two bottles of oil and a towel.

-          What kind of massage do you like? He asked.

-          Pardon me?

-          Craniosacral, shiatsu, ayurveda, deep tissue?

-          Uh, I said, feeling stupid for not really knowing the difference and being able to casually say ‘shiatsu with vanilla oil’ or something adept.

-          In Severin’s world, we cherish our bodies because they are the source of pleasure and the best indicator if something is not as it should be.

-          What do you think I need most?

-          Shiatsu with vanilla oil.

-          Yes, of course, I said, thinking: what a strange coincidence.

-          Take off your dress and lay down, please.

He gave me a sensational massage and then served me a glass of champagne and some delicious kalamata olives. We were enjoying Dom Perignon when he asked:

-                     How did you get to be like you are?

-                     Do you want the short or the long version?

-                     The long one. We’re in no hurry.

I looked him deep in the eyes and began to tell him about how when I was young I used to spend my time studying the turn of the 20^th Century, the Modern Breakthrough, Gustav Klimt and l’apocalypse joyeuse, Alfred Stieglitz, Georgia O’Keeffe, Bauhaus, Picasso and Gertrude Stein in Paris and all of the bohemians and offbeat characters who served as a reflection of the upheaval of society that started then and lasted for several decades.

-          Ansel Adams is one of my favourite photographers, Ruben said.

-          The man who invented landscape photography. Did you see the exhibition at Gammel Holtegaard?

-          Yes, twice.

-          I spent hours immersed in the way he captures nature’s enormous power. Like a waterfall.

-          Back to your life.

-          Well, like his images, I’ve always had my focus on the intensity of life. When I was 21 I moved to Paris from one day to the next; free from restrictions and expectations I could experiment with becoming a version of myself I hadn’t known before. For a couple of years I lived life the sensual way. When I left France, I took sensuality with me.

-                     And what about love?

Again, a surprise. He treats each topic he touches on with the same level of importance.

-                     Love has been interwoven with my travels and my work, I answered, fingering the ankh cross around my neck – Despite the fact that it’s the most important thing of all and that it has without a doubt dictated everything else in my life, it’s not on my CV. We divide and categorise everything, and along the way I’ve learned when it has been necessary.

- You’re avoiding my question. Where is love in your life?

- Love is being seen for who I am – and loved for it. But I haven’t found it. After seeing half of me, or a quarter of me I’m told that I should change. My three-man model will hopefully steer my attention away from the fear of losing and toward the joy of sharing. That’s the story I want to be able to tell.

-          What is it with you and stories? he asked.

-          I love stories, I said. I can’t live without them.

-                     Which stories?

-                     The grand stories from thousands of years ago. The trivial stories from an hour ago and how the two are connected when I draw a line between them.

-                     I have a journal, he said.

-                     Do you?

-                     15 volumes to date. I write every day.

-                     What’s in your journal?

-                     That you and I met.

-                     And what about our meeting?

-                     That it’s special.

-                     Is it?

-                     Yes, extremely. I don’t really understand the meaning of it yet, but I can sense that it’s important for me. I’ve never met a woman like you before. But I still don’t understand how you got to be like you are?

-          I’ve always followed my curiosity.

-                     Then you know that people sometimes reach the end of a sequence.

-                     Yes, and then it’s time to move on.

-                     I’m there now, and it’s overwhelmingly sad.

-                     Yes. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to some people in the process.

-                     Exactly!

-                     Where are you going next?

-                     I don’t know. What I do know is that you rouse my curiosity, he said, looking at me.

He’s an exceptionally handsome man with that unruly blonde hair that’s always been out of style and thus become its own hairstyle. His eyes are the clearest blue, and when they smile at me, I soar.

-                    Time for you to sleep, he said, getting up.

Taken aback by the sudden shift and overwhelmed by the desire for him to stay, I stood up and embraced him. The sensation of holding him in my arms stayed with me for a long time.

More than anything else I wanted a conversation date, and now I’m on my way into Severin’s world! In other circumstances I might say that I’m in love with him. But it’s less than that, and more.

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