Praise Yourself and Seek Ecstasy – entry no. 16

Hard to get back in gear after four days in the hospital. Possibly missing a caring man more than I’d like to admit. So much so that I’ve started missing Thomas again. But I don’t want to go back to him. I just can’t.

This morning was a disaster. I was waiting for the train and my eye caught a bit of paper. It was that thin, delicate paper used to wrap blood oranges, hardly used. The wind set it dancing, and it landed on the train track just as the train pulled into the station. I could hear a brittle crackling through the noise of the train – and then the flood gates opened. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I had to wait four trains before I could move again. When I arrived at the office, the first thing I heard was that my secretary’s bike had been stolen and I started sobbing again!

This new model isn’t exactly simple… but it’s hard to find the pause button, and I can’t put Mille on hold while I find myself; and there are parent-teacher meetings tomorrow, I wonder if Steen will show up or if he’ll text me some lame excuse or if he’s forgotten it altogether. Am exhausted, everything is a MESS and there’s a board of directors meeting on Thursday.

Just talked to Rebekka and cried my eyes out, she’s a good person to talk to when I feel like this; she makes time for me and she’s so caring. Last time I saw Thomas was from behind the kitchen curtain a month ago.

He had tried to let himself in, but I had already changed the locks. He rang the bell seven times. But I didn’t open. He tried the door, which was locked. Then he noticed his linen pants on the lawn, behind the bushes. And next to those were more trousers, his Max Havelaar hemp jacket, which he loves, and his seven earth-toned organic cotton shirts, the ones I gave him for Easter. He went back to the door and rang the bell again and again. He held the bell in. The light was on, so he knew I was home. I saw him sit down on the porch. I went into the living room and put on a John Lee Hooker song I know he hates. Obstinant, he rang the bell again. Finally, he stomped down the garden walkway to the kerb where his car was parked. When he got to the car I opened the door, music blaring, and I threw two bottles of his favourite aftershave out the door. They landed on the walkway and shattered.

Rebekka sent me a mail to lift me out of my self-pity. It’s moving, even if it’s just as mawkish as always. We’ve known each other since we were little, so I can tolerate the ruffles she puts on her pillows and life in general:

Dear Elizabeth,

You need to start every day by praising yourself. Even before you’ve left the house, you’ve undoubtedly done something that deserves praise – maybe you’ve made coffee, set the table for breakfast, woken a child with a tender kiss on the cheek, pampered yourself with a warm shower and an expensive, delicious soap.

Or maybe you’ve snuggled up close to your boyfriend and abandoned yourself to one another in intense morning love-making. Praise yourself by stopping for a moment and closing your eyes and imagining giving yourself a pat on the back and saying some words of praise. Then carry on with whatever you’re doing.

Around lunchtime, it will be time to praise yourself again. Maybe you rode your bicycle to work even though it was drizzling outside. Or maybe you let a colleague tell you a ten-minute story she was dying to tell even though you were busy. Stop, close your eyes and pat yourself on the back and praise yourself. Then carry on with whatever you’re doing.

In the evening, when you’re with family or friends or enjoying an evening in your own company, it’s time to praise yourself again. You might have gone for a run or made a healthy dinner for your family or even indulged them with a junk-food dinner, if that’s what they prefer. Stop, close your eyes and  pat your back and praise yourself. Then carry on with whatever you’re doing.

When you’re ready for bed, praise yourself again. When you’ve finished and your boyfriend initiates foreplay, remember that his lust is amplified because you are a wonderful person who has done her best at many things all day. You make passionate love for an hour, then you enjoy a well-deserved night’s sleep.

This is the positive way of life, which encourages and creates love. You decide which energy to fill your life with. Each day we fill with negative energy holds us back from love. Each day we fill with positive energy brings us closer to love.

Much love,

Rebekka

Yes yes Rebekka, if you’ve already got a man who wants to be a good father, two well-adjusted children and everything else… but the idea is all right. Dear Rebekka. And it can’t hurt to try. It’s a little hard to believe that it will bring love back into my life. Hate myself for finding it hard! Oops, there I am with that negative energy again. Going back and forth – is there something wrong with me or with the model? Hopefully the model, but then I’m out of ideas again. And then I have to take the blame. Damn! Well, it’s no use sitting here whining, the winds are changing… good for me, I’m standing up from the victim chair. Hanging on to my freedom of choice and enjoyment. The ancient Greeks said that humans go mad without ecstasy’s purifying powers. We need to go out and get blown away, abandon ourselves, dance, drink, make love and forget who we are before we can reinvent ourselves…

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