Palpitations – entry no. 15

Well, I went to the emergency department with palpitations which turned out not to be an emergency. It took them four days to decide. Must be all of the romantic tremors I’ve been experiencing. And it didn’t help that the doctor could have doubled for George Clooney as Doug Ross in ER.

Is it symptomatic that my heart went haywire before the date with the journalist? I’m actually curious to meet him. And what about my trip to Bølshavn? Hopefully I can postpone it… I need to get things in order… ah, marvellous to have sun shining in on to me on the sofa. Suddenly I remember that a situation like this one was the reason I subscribed to twosomeness in the first place: to make sure that someone would be there someday when I’m old and grey and can’t do anything anymore. And without our knowledge or consent, our twosome life went into retirement mode, complete with safety, insurance and tender care in the form of reminding each other to take an umbrella. A model where passion, intimacy and curiosity are considered dangerous enemies.

Even if I miss having a man in my life right now, I find the price too high. I’ve seen too many people discover that their “other” wasn’t there when it counted. Well, they can keep it for themselves; I’m going to recline on the sofa enjoying my stupor in the sun… what is that crawling in here? A fly? Or a moth? It’s too big to be a gnat… maybe it’s a fruit fly! … oh, there’s one more… look at that, it’s unbelievable! It’s just sitting there without lifting a wing and a partner comes ambling along and finds it! That can happen to somebody with such tiny brains in our big big world. Why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? Yes, yes, they’ve got fewer needs than I do, but still. Aahhh, to be a fly…

Later

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up when Arkan rang from the airport. They changed his flight because of the volcano, and he’s flying to Cuba today instead. I wished him bon voyage, noting unwillingly that he was taking a little piece of my heart with him. How is that possible – I haven’t even met him yet?!